On Privacy (and Run-On Sentences, LOL!)

I figure since someone knew where to find the most private of private items in Tori's drawers and felt free to access it and take it for herself, that nothing is sacred or private. I erased my prior post and pretty much everything else because this is my own private (albeit public) site intended only for sharing topics with Tori, Shelley and Rob. Anyone else who would read it would have come by it either by a random Blog search or by being sneaky since I don't go around handing out the link. Two of my best friends, Brian and Paul don't even have the link. Mo and Antonio? No link. My folks, likewise no linky.

Now, to be clear. I do not retract anything I said. When I am 100% correct, free and clear, in a black and white type of "no law in the land would find this wrong" I say it. When there is the slightest chance of me being wrong, which there often is as I do not pretend to be all-knowing, I proclaim the likelihood that I may be wrong and that something I say may only be a strong opinion. But there is no slanted view, there is no fallasy in what I wrote about a third person's personal problems and how they have blown up beyond their control. I hold no ill will. In fact, I prayed before bed last night that she find comfort and happiness in a world that truly is not out to get her. My words were close to, "Lord, yes I'm still not happy about what happened today or how Tori and I have been treated, but that doesn't mean that I don't have good intentions towards Leigh. Lord, please help her through her problems." And I went on through my usual list with commentary about the health of my grandmothers, my mom after her recent heart attack, my cousin Matt and his wife Suzanne and their recent strife, the continued good will for Brian/Priya and Paul/Meg. And, of course, I always thank God for Tori! =) I know, I'm a sap. I'm really not heavily religious in terms of going to church at all, but I have great faith. My chosen career had been Healthcare Administration and I worked managing CCRC's with upwards of 360 residents and 280 employees, as well as budgets of over $38 Million dollars. People who fit that position do not fall out of trees. That job is very much "The buck stops here." Responsibilities including corporate goals, department head management, overall maangement, meeting budget, PASSING STATE INSPECTION (which I managed to do DEFICIENCY-FREE, which is unheard-of), dealing with all the broken-down personal/political problems with staff members, residents, their family members.... and we're talking about people who are highly emotionally charged because their family member is often on their death bed.... not to mention the personal investment you have with all your residents, who really become 200 to 400 new grandparents and members of my family... and then you grieve when they pass, not like a hospital where an emergency victim comes in and doesn't survive. These are people you spend ALL DAY with, seeing them on good days and on bad as they face a myriad of personal struggles, often knowing the only outcome. I always prided myself in knowing not just everyone's names, but their whole story. I KNEW each and every one of my employees where I worked and if I didn't then I'd take the time to. I used to say that the only times during the day that I can get real paperwork done were before 7am and after 4pm. My average workday, while not being at all the worst I know of, still averaged 11 hours a day! And during Budget Season, I would often pull 18 hour days and even sleep out at work. So I hope that says a little bit about the person I am and some of the values I hold. Particularly my ability to be the "Pillar of Calm" that my boss called me. That's a large part of why I was always on the hot button when they had a problem somewhere and they transferred me out. I handled it all without issue while also turning amazing results. We took over management of a community in Maryland and they sent me out... it was not operating legally when I arrived, neglect of residents, employees fistfighting, OIG and CMS investigations, provisional certificate of occupancy from the county, and the staff was jumping ship like rats on a sinking barge. Likewise, they hadn't successfully billed CMS in over two years. In my first month alone I got the health center legal, brought in the staff necessary, and managed to put the team together well enough to begin billing CMS going forward. I also managed to pull several hundred thousand dollars out of the air based on correctible past submissions. And by the end of my several month stay the employees had gone from FIGHTING openly and not talking, to giving firm eye contact and smiling. THAT is the single greatest accomplishment I could have achieved... the seemingly 180-degree reversal in the work environment and the happiness of the employees and residents.

Does that sound like someone who can't handle a girl throwing a temper tantrum? I've had guys MUCH bigger than me openly threaten me (and while inwardly I may have been intimidated, I stood my ground and solved the problem with words. All while standing calmly with my hands at my side. I've had employees take me aside and break down on me, one over another employee who was manipulating other employees against her, another who I took aside because her personal problems were being taken out on co-workers. I'm a Piscean, man. I listen. My heart reaches out to people. I tend to be intuitive to the regular problems in the world, and I know to be calm and wait for the person to get the emotion out of their system.

Likewise, as a young male Administrator (boss/manager) I was always keenly aware of interactions with women. Never be alone with them. Always have someone else there. Never do anything remotely threatening. Etc etc. Basically, very simple non-reactive rules of conduct and common sense that would prevent and protect from someone who is angry and just wants a lawsuit or to cause a problem. I always have, and continue to follow these rules in life, not just a work setting. For precisely the reasons we saw yesterday where one person passes falsehoods on to other people. I keep myself fully protected at all times in this regard. No one is going to risk the financial breadwinning abilities of me to provide for my future family. I am very conscious of these aspects and guard them. Come on, my family are cops, my best friend is a cop, several of my neighbors are cops. I've grown up with all the right advice on what not to do, let alone the way I was raised with strong old-fashioned morals and values. The only thing I feel over yesterday is a great stab in the back for everything I have done and gone through to be a friend to this person. I don't feel anything other than that simple betrayal of trust. And while I swore about it while writing at 3am over the absolute ridiculousness of it, I don't feel anything else for this person now other than concern for what she might do to herself and/or my girlfriend in that apartment. For something like yesterday's outburst to happen, this person is obviously in great distress. It was becoming slowly obvious that she was slightly paranoid and that she held a very exaggeratedly low opinion of herself. It was because she seemed so lonely and sad that we made all these extra efforts to include her in EVERYTHING we did. She had full access to our lives and we gave it freely, not realizing our friendship was being abused as she slowly fell into the belief that every action we do.... from saying hello to saying that we were going out in a few minutes to go shopping, or even that I think Ryan Seacrest is a tool.... was taken as some darker intention. Like we're the boogeymen out to get her. Boogey boogey boo! If we were SOOOOOOOOO terrible and bad, why did we take her everywhere? Why did she come with us? Why do I have tons if pictures of her smiling and hanging out at my house, at my uncle's, around the apartment and whatnot, or at Tori's swimming together in the pool with the cousins? No, all this other stuff is brand new to us from yesterday. Why, when we talk about Tori privately together did she suddenly become Tori's worst critic and throw her under the bus? And by this I don't mean a random gossip session, I mean when Tori and I were angsty over not being alone together and I asked her for her advice as Tori's friend and roomie.... and instead of offering advice, she proceeded to say how "[Tori] is such a bad girlfriend. She's just not MAKING time for you to be alone with her. I think she's not as interested in your relationship anymore, but doesn't know how to say it." And then how she always tried to balance boyfriend and friend time in her relationships.

The thing that is scary is that it's not just a build-up of emotions or a well left uncapped. The scary thing is that it is suddenly so clear the game she has been running. Tell yourself something long enough and you believe it. Likewise, and unfortunately for us there's nothing to do about it, but when you tell someone lies continually and they know nothing of the truth, then the lies are accepted as truth. That's where we have Mrs Couture getting involved. Which, while odd for a grown woman to includer her mother in her problems, is not out of the question. We would all do the same thing and ride to the rescue if our loved one called in hysterics. I remember when Shelley called after hydroplaning off the highway into the ditch.... I blew the transmission clear off the truck, throwing all personal caution to the wind in an effort to get to her. It's one of those things that goes without saying and is a positive part of the human condition. But while I agree with any initial intent, I don't agree with the accusatory approach, the "I know more than you, despite the fact that I am five hours away and accept the stories my daughter tells me without question." My gift (or my curse) is that I try to see all sides as best as is possible from a third-person perspective and not through my own personal filters. My response on here last night was me venting because I do not vent myself physically. I pride myself on that fact, and have been brought up from a child with the understanding that as a man of strength I need to know my place. This is perhaps mirrored in my belief that owning a pistol is a bad idea. HAVING a weapon is an invitation for people in the world to use them. Like my friend Tom who works as an electrician and sometimes goes into bad areas.... he has a pistol for safety/protection, supposedly. There is nothing "safe" or "protected" about carrying a loaded weapon. All that is is an invitation to USE it when you feel you are out of options. To me, the solution for that setting would be to spend the same money on a good police-quality bullet-proof vest. The same way I champion the study of Aikido, an essentially defensive technique, as opposed to schools of martial arts that promote offensive actions. I've met far too many people who study martial arts because they were made to feel weak. Someone hurt them or put them in a vulnerable position and they go learn to fight so they don't feel that way again. Well, what happens if they are ever faced with a problem again in life? Instead of seeking a solution, they fall back on their training and suddenly the hurt person is the one hurting. Even from age 6 I recognized that!

So anyway, I'm rambling and should stop. Been coming back and writing for a while now between scanning my charts when it's slow. If you can't tell, after this morning's activity it has been at a snail's pace all day on the Dow. The whole mess yesterday seems SO ridiculous. It's enough that there were perhaps some Machiavellian schemes going down with her between me and Tori for the past month or so, but the blowout yesterday just proved there is no trust or safety there. If it were only hurtful and mean, heck, we'd get over it in a few days. But it was a total and... (gasp!)... purposeful choice to ignore all that is real and true between us as a trio and believe a self-made fiction. I mean, that is SHOCKING. It would be one thing if I alone, or Tori alone were as shocked, scared, and concerned over this. That opens the door to the inevitable question (which Tori and I have both already asked, essentially before I even knocked on the door) as to "Did I say or do something?". Nope! And if there were anything even remotely in the grayscale, I'd be up front and be like...... you know, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad when I made that comment about Bill Clinton. And not that I think of it, whenever she has thrown a mini attitude over something in the past I've always been a milktoast and apologized. Btw, it's only been twice really... and I was apologizing for Tori and I arguing. And by that, we never even fought or yelled. LOL It was more both of us feeling angst because Leigh wouldn't let us alone. So aren't I SUCH the sucker for putting her before myself all that time? Apologizing TO HER for feeling miserable because of something SHE was causing? I always help others, I'm always friendly, amicable, even when she's being mean and scathing.... which is often, as well as random. "Ewwww, why are you drinking milk when it's hot out?" Ok, random non-offensive question, right? NOT when someone asks it with a rasping voice as though you have offended someone's deepest moral values. The intonation and perspective do not fit the setting. Can she see the forest for the trees?

So no, there's no grayscale here. It's black and white, and she has reversed the polarity. She gave into whatever problems she's facing, and I wish we could have solved or helped out WAY before she blew up. We did all we could as far as support and it not only got us nowhere, but it got us abused and.... well, I feel slightly used. And I am quite certain that she has no clue what she has said or done, nor an open mind to the merest possibility that she is, in fact, quite wrong in her assumptions and fables.

Either way, I don't feel safe down there anymore. I won't risk myself or my future because someone wants to play Wolf and doesn't realize there's a real world out there now. I could sit on the bed in Tori's room doing nothing but read and she could call the cops and throw a tantrum. She proved as much yesterday. WAY unstable. And that is while being ON meds. And we all know how it goes when the police come... the guy is the one lead out. And I AGREE with that, actually. It's correct and justified. And I am in no way being sarcastic or funny here. I know girls who have been abused and it is no joke. Men who are like that are in the same crowd to me as people who abuse children.... there's no law in the land tough enough for the justice they deserve. I fully support every woman's right when it comes to safety. I don't care if Leigh declared her intent to hurt herself, if she said "get out" I'd listen. Which is already quite apparent, though I remain accused of being "the type who kills people." That is such an amazing statement to make out of the blue about someone you don't know. "Hey, you hear about Janet Kolinsky? Yeah, I guess she drives only 45mph on the highway...." "OMG, damn man, that is the kind of person who goes out and kills people!" The sad part, as in droopy-faced sad, is the bitter irony that if Tori HADN'T been abused in real life, then this woman would have kept attacking her and piling on lies spread by her daughter. That truly makes me scrunch my face up and feel bad. And while Mrs. Couture likely didn't know that history about Tori, so I don't think it was intended to dig that up.... it was still a LOW blow. That's like when ignorant people used to come up to my mom, sister and I in the store and swear at us for being "N1gger lovers." Yeah, that really happened to us when I was a kid. And not a singular event, either. Perhaps it is an oxymoron for me to use the phrase, "I hate ignorant people." And that is only in reference to the people from those past experiences, not the roomie's mom.

Ok, I kinda quit for now. Market's been moving around now at 3:45 and I want to see if I can scalp a few points for the day.

If I had to sum up an overall theme here? It's that Tori and I are very very secure in who we are. We have had nothing but love for Leigh in all respects since even long before moving in was even a topic. While Tori and I have had stress over growing pains with the third party, we always tried to keep that classy and private and never involve Leigh. Even yesterday when we were attacked, we were still being good friends. And there's no way to justify the explosive screaming and ensuing responses Tori and I received when our intent, even of me approaching the door, knocking lightly three times and asking about our friend to see if she was ok. Come on, we both figured it was something personal of her own or perhaps between her and DJ so we wanted to see what we could do to help. Instead, we're both almost strung up.

If it were a normal blowout, it might only be the end of a friendship or a dark spot on said friendship. But with apparent instability, there are far too many open-ended questions in this situation. I understand and respect that she does not feel safe, because even though it is a wrong belief based on false ideas, it is a perceived image and I respect that as being the same as a legitimate fear. So now I, too, don't feel safe going anywhere near that person. I'll never talk to her again. Never see her again. Never be in her presence. I would be a fool to allow someone to play real-world games with consequences with my life and livelihood based on their own chemical problems and paranoia. Likewise, I don't believe it is a safe setting for Tori to be exposed to someone who can be laughing and friendly, then take three steps and start screaming at them about everything wrong with Tori. She is not in control, not in reality, and not handling herself or whatever her problems are with any semblance of internal tools at work. She's a gasoline pump with the handle jammed open as far as I'm concerned. What's worse is there's no flame necessary to spark the fire, all it takes is the momentary reflection of light off a car door window as someone shuts the door.

One last comment I have to share. When Leigh flipped out, she wasn't yelling about how I treat her bad, she wasn't yelling about how I put her down, how I scare her, how I always make jokes at her expence, how she feels I am out to get her, how I break her things and throw them away or any other number of problems which, if TRUE, would have been extremely legitimate. No, all we heard from her were vague comments on how I am controlling her life, how I am always there, and then how terrible Tori and I are to her. I totally took that at the time as her redirecting her real anger over whatever was bothering her to us, the only real outlets within reach. Hence my words "Leigh, you have to learn who your real friends are" and "Grow up!" as she proceeded to lash out at us verbally and emotionally. But then her mom got involved and upped the ante. But even she didn't have any problems to yell about.... more about how if I'm there so much I should pay rent, how I am a slob who doesn't help around the apartment who makes Leigh do everything, and how I am apparently a serial killer in training. Lies and words said by a girl in the throws of great misdirected and un-instigated emotions to a mother who accepted her words as rite and scripture and reacted like a catalyst. There is no excuse here for the strife caused by the Couture family. Leigh should have sought help before this, as well as be adult enough to control herself. Her mother should not have lashed out at my girlfriend, who is a luckless and EXTREME victim to the entire Leigh experience. To reiterate and counter the points expressed against me, I usually am only there ONE night during the week between the hours of 7 and 10:30 when Tori goes to bed. Likewise, on the weekend I may decide to stay with my girlfriend, in her room, with the door closed for ONE NIGHT. Unlike Leigh, who LEAVES HER DOOR OPEN WHILE SLEEPING NAKED WITH HER NAKED BOYFRIEND. That is not simply strange behavior, that is potentially threatening to, as well as impinging upon Tori's rights. And truthfully, she tends to stay here with me more often than I stay down there! Leigh's and her mother's arguments hold no water. They are so ridiculously falsified that they are quite legitimately scaring us. Likewise...., helping out? When I use a bowl, plate, glass or utensil... I return it first to the sink where I scrub it out under high-pressure water, then I put it in the dishwasher. Further, I have made and brought down dinner for them before as well as picked up the tab when we go out to restaurants as a group. I have always been a gracious and helpful guest, bending first and foremost to Leigh who must always be appeased in order for there to be comfort in that apartment.

And no, I have never killed anyone before.